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2022-07-11

Gotta hand it to myself, I've managed to achieve a level of hermit-like behavior that is astounding for someone who calls themselves an artist. Despite that, I've still been drawing, although I would say less so in public these days.

There's a pressure that exists when I post on twitter. Part of it is due to the audience size, and the fear of letting people down. But I would say another thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how much of a toll creating work close to your heart can have. When I first set out to draw things so personal to myself, the greatest fear I had was relentlessly bigoted people whom would no doubt take issue with the content being presented. And while I have received my fair share of insults and death threats over the past few years, even until now, it is something I have come to accept and become used to. I imagine any queer creator faces similar types of hateful comments during the course of their publications.

However, what takes up most mental weight in my mind these days is not from those outside the queer community whom despise us, but those inside the trans community itself. Obviously not all, I'd argue not even a majority. But I think for me, it's the comments from trans people themselves that affect me most deeply, as this is the very community I am trying to do right by. I would concede that my work, like any, is open to critique and criticism. There are many things I need to work on improving, and I strive to do so. This is not a complaint about anybody not enjoying my work, if anything I feel flattered that anyone other than myself can find something to appreciate in what I create.

What this is, is a call-out of a specific type of criticism I receive from certain individuals in the trans community. The type that is made in bad-faith, with no actual knowledge or understanding, and yet made in absolute, unwavering confidence. Now, I would say, on average, for every 200 positive/neutral comments I've received, there would be only 1 scathing, negative comment. Honestly speaking, that should be a good enough ratio and I should be happy with that. I wish I could be. It's not any sense of "perfectionism" or "needing everyone to like my work". It's more a feeling of trying to understand in what manner I have displeased an individual. I don't ever want to think the work I make is without flaw. Which makes negative comments so important to me, as I want to understand where I have failed them. I don't want to assume that every negative comment is simply a "hater" or someone who "doesn't get it".

But I will say, it is unbelievably tiring when comics and art based on very personal experiences of mine get ripped apart by white, transfem individuals who feel affronted by the fact my art does not speak for every experience, while making the claim that it was the intended purpose to begin with. I am aware that some people might inquire why I specified white transfems in particular, given that seems to make up a large part of my audience. I will say that every single wild claim or criticism, every profoundly negative interaction I have had was with a white transfem member of this community. I've had white, transfem artists I looked up to lie and slander me in public forums, white transfem "friends" engage in sexual assault and manipulation, a white transfem literally call me a "chaser" and "violent transmysogynist" for drawing trans characters before publicly coming out for their approval, white transfem friends turn a blind eye to rampant racist and problematic behavior on the communities they were quite literally in charge of. Obviously that does not mean every white transfem individual is the problem, but there has been enough harmful experiences for me to be wary when engaging with them. There is a certain level of expectation some seem to have, that unless experiences include or cater towards them, they are problematic. I do indeed understand that many of the illustrations I produce do not represent the entire spectrum of human, or even trans experiences. That is not, nor ever has been the goal.

It is completely fine for people to have their own interpretation of any of my works, that is one of the wonderful things about artistic creations! But I would beg those who interpret my works to please, please understand that while their interpretation is valid, it does not get to mute my own words or intentions. Whether my work has succeeded or failed in delivering those intentions is one thing. But making claims that "this is what pas said" or "this is what paxiti truly meant" is unbelievably exhausting. I want to try and believe and see the best in anyone coming to criticize me, but it's so tiring to know that those same individuals will never offer the same in return. That they will always seek to see the worst in you, no matter what your past efforts have indicated.

It is exhausting to create work on such a personal level when, even as you are creating it, you do so knowing some people are going to wildly misinterpret your art, then go on to place their misinterpretation as your words and criticize you for something they made up for you to say. Unlike the average transphobic bigot, I do not wish to merely brush off or dismiss criticisms of those within the trans community because I do not feel I am above it, and wish to view their words with the best intentions. But please understand, everytime someone does make up fictional talking points to criticize, it takes a toll on me. Despite the impression some might have of me given my rather hands-off and low-profile behavior online, I am just one, regular, insignificant person trying to do their best. I understand I will not always live up to your expectations, but please understand the weight of your words, because I do my best to read and take it in. And when you attack me for something I did not even say, for something you yourself made up, it leaves me in a position where it is impossible for me to defend myself. There have been times when I truly wished to respond, but even in those times, I always need to remind myself that given my audience size, I do not wish to carelessly retort and accidentally set my followers onto any given person. I am not asking for special treatment, I am merely pleading that you treat me with the same courtesy you would offer anyone if you met them. Please do not speak for me. I know I do not engage much online, but that is not an invitation to place words in my mouth. Please let me speak for myself.

I've been taking a lot of time to try and work on myself as a person. In that regard I feel I've grown a lot, in both my personal life and as an individual. I'm a stronger, more capable person since the last post on this blog. I hope I can become stronger still in the years to come.

Anyway, I figured if twitter is too much pressure, I'd just return to posting unfinished doodles onto my trusty ol' blog.