Once upon a time there was a Wolf who lived in a forest on a mountain. One day, as he was looking for prey, he came across an unusual sight: a wild human Girl donning a red hood! She had in her arms a basket of meats which smelled absolutely wonderful. The Wolf’s mother had warned him to keep off the road, but bah! those were just the outdated conventions of yesteryear. A modern Wolf knows better.
He approached the Girl. "Girl," he said in his most fluent Humanese, "wat u doing." The Girl turned to face him and met his gaze with unblinking eyes before answering, "I'm on my way to see my Grandmother." She lifted her basket and flashed a grin. "I'm bringing snacks!" A frog jumped out of it, but the Girl caught its leg in her mouth and flung it back into the basket.

The Wolf was intrigued. "And where does your Grandmother live?" he asked. The Girl pointed at the top of the mountain. "At the top of the mountain."
"Ahhhh," said the Wolf. "That's not too far. You could probably get there before the day cools. Why not also bring some, uh…" The Wolf looked around for something to distract her with. "Grass." The Girl stared at him, her face devoid of convincing. Wolf was going to have to turn this up a notch. What else did those omnivores eat? He took another gamble: "...flowwwers?"
"Oh!" said the Girl, lighting up. "That's a great idea, Mr. Wolf! That just might help cover up that nasty smell of hers. I do believe there was a patch rather close by. Good thing I met you when I did." The Girl put a saddle on the Wolf's back. "My last ride broke his leg and I had to eat him. Let's go!" The Wolf was alarmed. "Wait, wh-"
Too late. The red hooded rider rode the Wolf through the wood and over the river to the place of her memory. They spent a good part of the afternoon picking plants and stuffing them into the basket. Every time the Wolf tried to slink away, he found the Girl on his back again, guiding him to the next harvest area. He was about to give up and just eat the Girl then and there when she said, "Alright, I think we've got about every type of flower on the mountain. Let's go to Grandmother's!" Fine, thought the Wolf. At least this way the old woman would probably open the door for the both of them.

Turned out it wasn't necessary; Grandmother lived in door-less hole in the side of the mountain. When they arrived, the Wolf could see the disheveled old woman hunched over in the back of the cave, sharpening a knife. It made him a little uneasy, as did the pungent odor (which must have been what the Girl wanted flowers for). The Girl hopped off his back and called out to the crone, "Grandmother, I'm home! And I brought snaaacks♪." Yellow eyes peered out at them from the shadows. "Oya oya~," came a voice as old as stones. "Come in, dear child! How long it has been since you last visited!" The eyes flicked towards the basket. "AND WITH SNACKS," she added hoarily.

The Girl got down and ran into the cave to meet her Grandmother. The two of them talked excitedly, occasionally gesturing towards the Wolf and laughing and giving a thumbs up and wiping their mouths. The Wolf didn't understand any of this, but he decided he'd at least go in for a closer look at this Grandmother (whom he was not certain he still wanted to eat).

A quick glance was all he needed to be certain. He did not want to eat this...talking bag of bones. He couldn't help but rudely comment on her physique. "Oof! What big eyes you have!" he blurted. She stared into him with those same big eyes and cocked her head, waving her hands outside "They help me see people in the dark," she answered. Oh gosh, those hands, too. "What big hands you have!" said the Wolf (just in case she didn't know). The old woman rubbed them together and chuckled to herself. "Well, you know what they say about people with big hands." The young Girl interjected: "I don't think either of you do."
Finally, the Wolf caught on to how strangely large her mouth was. Sure, the eyes and hands were kind of big, but they were only normal big. This mouth, though, was like something from a nightmare. The Wolf expressed this in the most delicate way possible: "YOUR MOUTH IS HUUUGE." She gave him a wide, smelly smile before replying, "It comes from doing this," and all at once she sprouted horns and caught him up in her jaws, ready to bite him in two and swallow him whole. Or in two, I guess. Can't really have it both ways there.

Oh snap, thought the Wolf. He had been mistaken; this was no human woman - it was an Ogress. He had been brought to an Ogress' den by this demon child. Now that he was up in the air, he could see that the corners of the cave were packed with bones. The stench of rot wafted from the mouth of his captor. Maybe Mama Wolf knew what she was talking about after all.
"Grandmother, no!" cried the Girl. "The snack is in the basket! That's my ride! I just told you this! Geeeeeze." The Ogress paused, and the Wolf saw his chance. "It's as the Girl says! Let me go!" he said. "If you let me live, I'll grant you any one wish!" The Ogress thought on it for a bit. "Just one, eh?" she mused to herself (nearly chewing the Wolf as she spoke). She slowly set him down. "Well then. I wish-"
But it was too late - the Wolf was already out of the cave, down the mountain, and on the next boat for Australia.

THE END

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